My new pen pal, Contempt K. Astrophysicist

[athelind]

Recently, I've been getting spam with the subject header "The Ultimate pharmacy". Like everything else which passes through my software spam filter but is readily identified by my wetware, it's been getting unceremoniously dumped in the trash folder.

However, I have to give kudos to the person responsible for the names in the "From" line, whether he creates each one personally, or if he's devised an algorithm for humorous randomness.

So far, I've gotten "Ultimate Pharmacy" spam from:

• Contempt K. Astrophysicist


• Intermittently V. Conrad


• Embargo T. Stiletto


• Maladjustment M. Climactic


• Ogre H. Stubborn

And one ad for "Microsoft, Adobe, Macromedia, Corel" from a Dietitican Q. Mousetrapping.

If you're going to waste my bandwidth, at least amuse me in the process.

Comments

[jirris-midvale.livejournal.com]

'Embargo T. Stiletto' is such a cool name. I swear, if I ever play a pulp-style RPG that's totally the name of my international-blade-for-hire.

[twentythoughts.livejournal.com]

"Intermittently V. Conrad" sounds like a Discworld name. A very good one, at that.

[ceruleanst.livejournal.com]

A fun game to play with those is to think of the best-sounding or most sensible answer to what the middle initial should stand for.

[susandeer.livejournal.com]

I just got a software offer from Indigo Gaylord!

"My name is Indigo Gaylord. You charged me too much for software! Prepare to CRASH!"

[collie13.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I like yours! Want to trade with friends and collect the whole set? I'll swap you a "Contempt K. Astrophysicist" for a "Burgled J. Impeachment"! ;)

[reveille-d.livejournal.com]

This is my most favorite spam ever:

Date: Fri, 22 Aug 03 13:19:19 GMT
From: <warner@spiegel.de>
To: reveille@madcoyote.com
Subject: Warp Watch Needed yvuci abvpbxnv

Hello,

I am going to need a new DWG unit, prefereably the rechargeable AMD wrist watch model with the GRC79 induction motor, four I80200 warp stabilizers, 512GB of SRAM and the menu driven GUI with front panel XID display. I'm a time traveler stuck here in 2003.

Upon arriving here my dimensional warp generator stopped working. I trusted a company here by the name of LLC Lasers to repair my Generation 3 52 4350A watch unit, and they fled on me.

I will take whatever model you have in stock, as long as its received certification for being safe on carbon based life forms.

In terms of payment:
Payment can be made in Galactic Credits, Platinum gold, or 2003 currency upon safe delivery of
unit.

INSTRUCTIONS MUST BE FOLLOWED EXACTLY:
Please transport unit in either a brown paper bag or box to below coordinates on Friday August 22nd at (exactly 4:00pm) Eastern Standard Time. A few minutes prior will be ok, but it cannot be after. If you miss this timeframe please email me. Nobody will be at those coordinates prior to 3:45pm EST, (so do not transport before then).

Item is to be delivered at beginning of Lagrange Street in Winchester, Massachusetts which is directly across the street from Stratford Road located at: Latitude N 42.44852 & Longitude W 071.14651 and the Elevation is 90 feet.

WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TRANSPORT ITEM BY REGULAR MEANS OF TELEPORTATION. THEY ARE MONITORING AND WILL REDIRECT THE SIGNAL!! I DO NOT CARE HOW YOU HAVE TO GET IT HERE, JUST DO IT IN A WAY THAT NO SPYING EYES WILL POSSIBLY BE ABLE TO REDIRECT OR BLOCK THE TRANSFERENCE. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU BE ABLE TO MONITOR THE TRANSFER.
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SEND IT SO THAT THEY CANNOT REDIRECT OR BLOCK IT??? If in doubt do not transport actual unit until your method of transfer can be confirmed as a success. You just might need to send a intergalactic courier to deliver item safely to me.

It is best if you send a intergalactic courier to deliver, this way you can be certain the unit arrives ok, However If you are certain that you have the means to teleport unit in a safe manner please send a (separate) email to me at: webmaster@federalfundingprogram.com only after unit has been safely delivered with payment instructions.

Thanks
Brian Appel


Do not reply directly back to this email as it will only be bounced back to you.



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[reveille-d.livejournal.com]

I also got this followup:

Date: Sun, 24 Aug 03 12:52:09 GMT
From: <tink@chiche.com>
To: reveille@madcoyote.com
Subject: Dimensional Warp Generator Needed vltbslswrcvmeebzj

Hello,

I'm a time traveler stuck here in 2003.
Upon arriving here my dimensional warp generator stopped working. I trusted a company here by the name of LLC Lasers to repair my Generation 3 52 4350A watch unit, and they fled on me. Since nobody in this timeline seems to be able to deliver what I need (safely here to me), I will have to build a simple time travel circuit to get where I need myself. While it might be hard to find parts in this time to build anything decent, I need easy to follow schematics from the future to build one which is safe and accurate that will not disrupt the time space continuum with both forward and backward capability accounting for temporal location settings (X, Y, Z, n), which can be built out of (readily available) parts here in 2003. Please email me any plans you have. I will pay good money for anything you send me I can use. Or if you have a dimensional warp generator available, and are 100% certain you have a (safe secure) means of delivering it to me please also reply with a secure way to contact you. Send a separate email to me at:
webmaster@custompaintshop.net


Do not reply back directly to this email as it will only be bounced back to you.

Thank You
Brian Appel

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[collie13.livejournal.com]

Wow -- you win! Yours is definitely the coolest. ;)

[twentythoughts.livejournal.com]

"Mwah hah hah! All my planning shall finally pay off! The world is mine!"
"Not so fast, She-tero!"
"Gaylords! You are here early. Mweh heh. Too bad it won't help you! Prepare to face the wrath of Intercoursor!"
"What a monster! Surely too powerful for us like this. We have no choice! Gaylords, connect!"
(Theme song plays)
"Indigo Gaylord!"
"Mauve Gaylord!"
"Ochre Gaylord!"
"Tan Gaylord!"
"Combine to form: RAINBOW GAYLORD!"

[astor-apatosaur.livejournal.com]

"Wishful C. Localizing"

[hossblacksilver.livejournal.com]

Sounds like that e-mail about changing one's name from the Captain Underpants series. I'd consider posting the rules, but it's a little long for a comment.

Boobie Frickenfanny
a.k.a.
Snooty Fickenbutt