athelind: (barcode)
Solstice fell last week.
Today, this song was playing.
Nothing more to say.






I'm learning to live without you now ... )

The more I know, the less I understand.

athelind: (Eye of the Dragon)
And so, another year ends, and Your Obedient Serpent will be more than happy to be shed of this one. I bid 2010 adieu with two upraised middle fingers and a shout of defiance.

It's time to face forward.

I've mentioned that sometimes, the radio talks to me, that the station I most often tune to has a tendency to play certain songs over and over again, and sometimes, the songs that cycle into that repetitious rotation are ones that directly address my moods and circumstances.

Back in November, as I was preparing to move a lifetime of belongings out of [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia's garage, this one played nearly every day.

I was going to post it tomorrow, but it played again, just minutes ago.

This, then, is my New Year: No Resolutions, Just Resolve.

I've got a world and a life and a future in front of me.

And it's mine.






I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams ... )

Happy New Year, one and all!

athelind: (Default)
Despite the events of the last year, I still have a lot to be thankful for.

If you're reading this, you're probably included in that list.


athelind: (Eye of the Dragon)
There are a few days in both Spring and Autumn, almost exactly at the midpoint between Equinox and Solstice, where the sun is at such an angle that, if the day is clear, there's a strange quality to the light that makes the world seem ... not so much unreal as hyper-real.

Today is one of those days, one of those high-definition days, and the oddness of the weather makes it moreso. Last night, around sunset, the winds came in off the desert, south-east of us, and brought a wave of warmth; it was actually warmer an hour or two after nightfall than it had been in the late afternoon. Since then, the wind has shifted again, coming from the Northwest, and, while it's still warm today (around 80), the forecast tells us that these winds will soon bring us a front from Alaska.

And you can tell. When you step outside, there's a strangeness in the air, more than just the light, more than just the wind.

Maybe it's just that there's so much change in my life right now, that these strange winds blew in at the end of a long and strange weekend.

I can feel it, though, like a tangible thing.

There's change in the air.






There's no shelter from the wind ... )

athelind: (Default)
Today was the day I went over to [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia's garage and separated the contents into three categories: Definitely Mine, Somebody Else's Problem, and Contents Must Be Sorted Item By Item. Items in the first category got put into a U-Haul and taken to storage; items in the third category will be sorted through tomorrow, which will be ... emotional, to say the least. Those are Boxes Full of Memories.

I cannot believe how much crap I own. I have something on the order of 16-18 proper comic short boxes full of comics, plus a few more random boxes also brimming with comics waiting to be properly housed. Those are high on my list to Just Plain Go. I've got far too many bins of costumery, too; the contents of those may be up for grabs soon.

Many, many thanks to [livejournal.com profile] paka, [livejournal.com profile] kohai_tiger, and [livejournal.com profile] kaysho; your assistance today was invaluable. [livejournal.com profile] kaysho, coming along to help us unload at the storage shed was above and beyond the call, nigh unto the "... helps you move bodies" level.

And thanks as well to [livejournal.com profile] gatewalker and [livejournal.com profile] quiet_rain, for making me feel like I'm still family.


athelind: (Default)
Is there anyone in the Bay Area who can help me move my stuff out of [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia's garage this Saturday?

I consider "pizza for everyone" to be covered under "moving expenses".


athelind: (AAAAAA)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

Have you ever closed the door on an opportunity or a relationship in order to open another door, only to realize you made the wrong choice?

oh, for crying ...

Yes, okay, yes. I woke up to that running through my brain this very morning: sometimes it seems like every single time I've had a binary choice, I've picked the wrong one. On the rare occasions that I do make the right choice, I manage to screw it up somehow with later choices.

I reiterate my conclusion from the last "life of regrets" Writer's Block I answered, less than three weeks ago:

Shoulda-Woulda-Coulda is toxic.

You can't do a damned thing about where you've been.
You can only do something about where you're going.

Face Front.



Rassin' frassin' LiveJournal Drama Llama stereotypes. There should be a cap on how often Writer's Block can ask the same kinds of question in a single month.
athelind: (Warning: Lack of Internet)
Icon to the contrary, Internet access is the one thing I do have at the moment.

My cellphone account has always been provided through [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia's employer. Due to our impending divorce, it has now been terminated.

Time to tap into the LiveJournal Hive Mind again:

I need to find an inexpensive, reliable provider with good coverage in the Silicon Valley/Bay Area. I'm going to be spending a lot of time out in the eastern hills in the near future, so good rural coverage is a plus.

I want to transfer my old cell phone number, preferably without any additional service charges.

I think I should go with a pay-as-you-go plan; I don't need to get locked into monthly obligations when my income is, at best, erratic.

Unlimited evening and weekend hours are a must.

Unlimited text messaging would be Very Useful Indeed; our last contract charged us something like ten cents a pop.

Thanks in advance for the feedback, gang.


I should also note that my old email accounts will be terminated on Sunday. As a Permanent LiveJournal Account Holder, however, I can always be easily reached.
athelind: (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] quelonzia recently wrote:

Those of you who know me, know that this separation, and now this divorce, is hitting me very hard. I thought I knew what kind of relationship I've had for the last 13 years, and realizing that I never knew it at all has been devastating.


I feel exactly the same way. Try as I might, I can't phrase it any more eloquently.

I will always, always cherish the years we had together, and love for her still fills my heart.

But I can see a future ahead of me now that I couldn't see a year ago, possibilities that simply weren't there.

I only wish that she would come with me.


athelind: (Default)
I saw you there.

I could barely speak.

I could barely breathe.

I wanted to take you in my arms so badly.

And I remembered when I proposed. I remembered what I knew when I saw our rings, there on the table, and I knew it was still true.

Whatever you might say you believe.






[Important Lyric] ... )

Birthday.

Aug. 22nd, 2010 09:17 pm
athelind: (Default)
It's [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia's birthday today.

I was doing okay. I was carefully not thinking about it. I cleaned the bathroom, I finished my laundry, I started straightening up my room ... .

... and I found the present that I'd bought for her, back in January, and was saving for her birthday.

For today.

We haven't spoken since she told me she was seeing a lawyer. Everyone I've spoken to has said that, at this point, our communications should just be through the lawyers.

I am probably skirting the spirit of that by posting this publicly, though I don't know if she's even reading my LiveJournal anymore.

Please know that when I say "Happy Birthday", I mean it sincerely, my love.

Please know that I didn't call because I didn't want to make you sad, didn't want to ruin your birthday, and because I knew that there was no way I could wish you a happy birthday without sounding mean or bitter.

And I hope this doesn't do that.

I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you.

Be well.


athelind: (Default)
I'm doing okay.

I'm holding it together, and getting things in order.

Thanks to all my friends out there, for all your support.

"A million miles is the difference between failure and a new chance."


athelind: (Default)
My morning comics would be a lot better at distracting me from my troubles if one of them didn't involved two people, deeply in love, and their last day together, knowing full well that it was their last day together and very carefully preserving the illusion that it wasn't.

[livejournal.com profile] quelonzia and I did that on Sunday.

She sent me the email that ended with, "we need to talk".

She knew what was coming, and so did I.

But we both went along with the pretense.

We went to see The Sorcerer's Apprentice, and held hands through most of the movie.

Afterward, we had a nice lunch, and talked about pleasant inconsequentialities.

And then we went to her place, where I've never lived and never will, and sat down on her futon, the one she bought after I had to leave, and we Talked.

I don't know her motivations for sure. Maybe she was just trying to soften me up for the blow to come; that's what my mother thinks.

I know why I went along with the pretense, though, and I want to believe that it's the same for her:

I wanted One Last Good Day. I wanted one last set of memories of laughing with her. I wanted to remember her smile.

And I have those memories. And I will cherish them.

Because, dammit, what we had was real, and those years of happiness we had were true, and none of the bullshit that's buried them in the last few years can take that Reality and that Truth away from me. Not ever.

I love you, Fire of my Heart.


athelind: (Default)
I was making it through the work day okay. I was holding it together.

And then a customer complimented the pretty dragon ring on my finger.

I thanked them, and kept it together long enough to get to the back room.

I put it on from sheer reflex. and I'll keep putting it on, every goddamned day, for the rest of my life.

To love and cherish, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.

I kept my side of that.

I just can't speak for myself right now, so here's another stupid video, and more lyrics.

But that's all I can do, and that's what I've got to face.






How can you just walk away from me? )

... but if you really knew me at all, how could you have said that to me?

It's over.

Jul. 19th, 2010 01:37 pm
athelind: (loved)
Yesterday, [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia told me that she was going to contact a lawyer and file for divorce.

It's over.


athelind: (green hills of earth)
I've mentioned before that my preferred radio station tends to play the same songs, over and over. I'd listen to another station, but ... most of what KFOX plays is music I like, even when I hear it all the time.

Sometimes, though, a song will reach out and grab me, above and beyond the background noise of all the other songs I've heard every other day for the last six months. Oh, a song like "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" will always catch my ear, because, well, Reaper.

Other songs, though ... sometimes they just walk up to me and say, "Listen to me. I have something to say to you, personally."

Right now, there are two of them demanding my attention in that way, and they're both from the same band.






I have climbed the highest mountains ... )




On a bed of nails she makes me wait ... )

I'm listening.

athelind: (ewd3)
I went to the doctor's today, to make sure some discomfort I've had in my back wasn't a kidney issue, since it was right where the kidney should be. It's most likely a pulled muscle or something similar, for the record.

As always, of course, they took my blood pressure. For years, it's been running around 120/85, which isn't great, but isn't terrible for a man in his mid-40s.

Last time I went in, a few months ago, it was at 110/80.

Today, it was at 106/76, which is pretty good for a guy in his twenties.

Please note that this is after six months of morning coffee, a habit I've never indulged in regularly before. The 120/80 period was when I was strictly decaf.

Well, coffee does have diuretic properties, and they do prescribe diuretics for high BP.

Or maybe it's just six months of not living with a teenager.


athelind: (Howitzer)
The phrase "crawling from the wreckage of my life" has been running through my head today.

It has an oddly positive tone that seems at odds with the words ...

... but when you realize that the alternative is "trapped in the wreckage of my life", then the upbeat tone all makes sense.


athelind: (loved)
[livejournal.com profile] quelonzia and I got married on the Summer Solstice, which bounces between the 20th and the 21st every year. For the life of me, I can't remember what the actual calendar date was; we'll have to dig up our marriage license at some point, because I always think it's the 21st and she always thinks it's the 20th.

Miss you, love.


athelind: (big ideas)
Something at work last night reminded me...



Do. Or do not.

There is no "try".




Edit: The full lesson:

"I don't believe it!"



"That is why you fail."


athelind: (eco-rant)
Okay, one reason, and one alone:

The United States of America consumes a disproportionate amount of the world's resources, and produces a disproportionate amount of its pollution. Even a massive socio-economic catastrophe isn't going to do more than moderate that, at least over the next half-century or so. this is an issue that I can't run away from, because the ripples affect the entire world, and not just economically.

I am an Earth Systems Scientist.

If I have any hope of having an effect on this globe-threatening situation, it's gotta be here.

I've got my lever, rusty as it may be, and I think I'm narrowing down my places to stand.


athelind: (politics)
This was originally tacked on as a footnote to my last post, but I think it needs to stand on its own.

For the record, the "Divided States of America" is only a "worst-case scenario" if the Balkanization is violent. That's not unlikely, because we're all pretty pissed at each other right now, and we do like our guns.

On the other claw, the Soviet Union managed to spin off its component without devolving into all-out war, though, even if there were border skirmishes; if the U.S. pulled off the same trick, California might wind up better off than we are now, with the Federal Government funneling money out of the eighth-largest economy in the world and into Red States who rant against taxation, welfare and government interference.


athelind: (prisoner)
Mostly for my own reference: some thoughtful and measured words about emigration.

I'll tell ya: ever since reading Toffler's predictions for the future of the two "Second Wave" superpowers in 1990's Powershift, and watching it come true in the Soviet Union less than a year later, there's a part of me that's been waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Yes, I'm fully aware that this kind of apocalyptic paranoia has contributed to the paralyzing stasis of my life since graduation.

Still, there's an important truth in play: things aren't getting any better in the Untidy States, and the best-case scenario is to hope that the continual erosion of our rights and freedoms will be sufficiently gradual that we won't notice.

And the alternatives ... well, we seem to be using all the worst clichés of Cyberpunk as a road map as it is, why not that one, too?*

I would really like to convince myself that this is just pessimism due to the latest economic downturn, but even during the boom years of the '90s, I saw the "New Democrats" quietly and casually continuing the trends of restricting the rights of biological individuals and increasing the freedoms of "corporate persons". Some oppressed groups have made a few advances in acceptance, but really, it's just welcoming them to the same Village that the rest of us live in. One step forward, two steps back.

I'm in the process of reevaluating my life, realigning my goals, and trying to get a better grip on how the "real world" works.

And around here ... it doesn't. Not very well. Not in ways that will do me any good, now or in the future.

Realistically, if I'm trying to reconstruct my present to make plans for my future, "emigration" needs to be one of my options—even and especially if I land the elusive "Real Job" locally.

The big issue, of course, is that the other Anglophone nations don't really want more USian expatriates.


This is not a post about pessimism or defeatism. This is a post about options.
*See next post.

athelind: (Eye of the Dragon)
In the late '80s, one of the numerous transit systems in the Bay Area had a cultural enrichment program, putting art and poetry in those overhead add slots on the bus. I believe some of the brief poems were actually commissioned for the program.

Around 1987, there was a poem that stuck with me, though I could only remember part of the first line (I'm pretty sure I wrote it down at some point, but I can't even find documents from a year ago, much less twenty-three).

Every few years, I do a Google search for it; this morning, I finally got a single hit. Alas, it remains uncredited:


Soft chains are most difficult to break: affection, ease.
The spirit, wide-eyed, limp-muscled; nestles on its side, and waits.




If anyone can chase down the proper credits, I'd appreciate it (and so, I suspect, would the poet).

There will now, of course, be two Google hits for the opening line; odds are good that this post will be on top very quickly.


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