athelind: (barcode)
Solstice fell last week.
Today, this song was playing.
Nothing more to say.






I'm learning to live without you now ... )

The more I know, the less I understand.

athelind: (Eye of the Dragon)
And so, another year ends, and Your Obedient Serpent will be more than happy to be shed of this one. I bid 2010 adieu with two upraised middle fingers and a shout of defiance.

It's time to face forward.

I've mentioned that sometimes, the radio talks to me, that the station I most often tune to has a tendency to play certain songs over and over again, and sometimes, the songs that cycle into that repetitious rotation are ones that directly address my moods and circumstances.

Back in November, as I was preparing to move a lifetime of belongings out of [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia's garage, this one played nearly every day.

I was going to post it tomorrow, but it played again, just minutes ago.

This, then, is my New Year: No Resolutions, Just Resolve.

I've got a world and a life and a future in front of me.

And it's mine.






I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams ... )

Happy New Year, one and all!

athelind: (hope)
The solstice has come around again, as it does every season.

The darkness has grown over the last six months, and for some, it weighs heavy on the soul.






If I never loved, I never would have cried. ... )


This year, the Longest Night brings with it a fleeting extra shadow—but even shadows bear beauty and promise.

For those lucky enough to have clear skies tonight, you'll be treated to the first Solstice Eclipse in 456 years.

And after this long night brings tomorrow's distant dawn, the light will come again.

The spring will come again.






It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance ... )


A Joyful Solstice to you all!

May all the gifts of Blessing, Renewal and Redemption find their way to you in the coming year.

Remember, no matter how dark and cold and long the winter night might seem ...

There will always come a spring.


athelind: (Default)
Despite the events of the last year, I still have a lot to be thankful for.

If you're reading this, you're probably included in that list.


athelind: (Eye of the Dragon)
There are a few days in both Spring and Autumn, almost exactly at the midpoint between Equinox and Solstice, where the sun is at such an angle that, if the day is clear, there's a strange quality to the light that makes the world seem ... not so much unreal as hyper-real.

Today is one of those days, one of those high-definition days, and the oddness of the weather makes it moreso. Last night, around sunset, the winds came in off the desert, south-east of us, and brought a wave of warmth; it was actually warmer an hour or two after nightfall than it had been in the late afternoon. Since then, the wind has shifted again, coming from the Northwest, and, while it's still warm today (around 80), the forecast tells us that these winds will soon bring us a front from Alaska.

And you can tell. When you step outside, there's a strangeness in the air, more than just the light, more than just the wind.

Maybe it's just that there's so much change in my life right now, that these strange winds blew in at the end of a long and strange weekend.

I can feel it, though, like a tangible thing.

There's change in the air.






There's no shelter from the wind ... )

athelind: (AAAAAA)
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Have you ever closed the door on an opportunity or a relationship in order to open another door, only to realize you made the wrong choice?

oh, for crying ...

Yes, okay, yes. I woke up to that running through my brain this very morning: sometimes it seems like every single time I've had a binary choice, I've picked the wrong one. On the rare occasions that I do make the right choice, I manage to screw it up somehow with later choices.

I reiterate my conclusion from the last "life of regrets" Writer's Block I answered, less than three weeks ago:

Shoulda-Woulda-Coulda is toxic.

You can't do a damned thing about where you've been.
You can only do something about where you're going.

Face Front.



Rassin' frassin' LiveJournal Drama Llama stereotypes. There should be a cap on how often Writer's Block can ask the same kinds of question in a single month.
athelind: (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] quelonzia recently wrote:

Those of you who know me, know that this separation, and now this divorce, is hitting me very hard. I thought I knew what kind of relationship I've had for the last 13 years, and realizing that I never knew it at all has been devastating.


I feel exactly the same way. Try as I might, I can't phrase it any more eloquently.

I will always, always cherish the years we had together, and love for her still fills my heart.

But I can see a future ahead of me now that I couldn't see a year ago, possibilities that simply weren't there.

I only wish that she would come with me.


athelind: (Default)
I saw you there.

I could barely speak.

I could barely breathe.

I wanted to take you in my arms so badly.

And I remembered when I proposed. I remembered what I knew when I saw our rings, there on the table, and I knew it was still true.

Whatever you might say you believe.






[Important Lyric] ... )

athelind: (Default)
I'm doing okay.

I'm holding it together, and getting things in order.

Thanks to all my friends out there, for all your support.

"A million miles is the difference between failure and a new chance."


athelind: (Default)
My morning comics would be a lot better at distracting me from my troubles if one of them didn't involved two people, deeply in love, and their last day together, knowing full well that it was their last day together and very carefully preserving the illusion that it wasn't.

[livejournal.com profile] quelonzia and I did that on Sunday.

She sent me the email that ended with, "we need to talk".

She knew what was coming, and so did I.

But we both went along with the pretense.

We went to see The Sorcerer's Apprentice, and held hands through most of the movie.

Afterward, we had a nice lunch, and talked about pleasant inconsequentialities.

And then we went to her place, where I've never lived and never will, and sat down on her futon, the one she bought after I had to leave, and we Talked.

I don't know her motivations for sure. Maybe she was just trying to soften me up for the blow to come; that's what my mother thinks.

I know why I went along with the pretense, though, and I want to believe that it's the same for her:

I wanted One Last Good Day. I wanted one last set of memories of laughing with her. I wanted to remember her smile.

And I have those memories. And I will cherish them.

Because, dammit, what we had was real, and those years of happiness we had were true, and none of the bullshit that's buried them in the last few years can take that Reality and that Truth away from me. Not ever.

I love you, Fire of my Heart.


athelind: (Default)
I was making it through the work day okay. I was holding it together.

And then a customer complimented the pretty dragon ring on my finger.

I thanked them, and kept it together long enough to get to the back room.

I put it on from sheer reflex. and I'll keep putting it on, every goddamned day, for the rest of my life.

To love and cherish, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.

I kept my side of that.

I just can't speak for myself right now, so here's another stupid video, and more lyrics.

But that's all I can do, and that's what I've got to face.






How can you just walk away from me? )

... but if you really knew me at all, how could you have said that to me?

It's over.

Jul. 19th, 2010 01:37 pm
athelind: (loved)
Yesterday, [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia told me that she was going to contact a lawyer and file for divorce.

It's over.


athelind: (green hills of earth)
I've mentioned before that my preferred radio station tends to play the same songs, over and over. I'd listen to another station, but ... most of what KFOX plays is music I like, even when I hear it all the time.

Sometimes, though, a song will reach out and grab me, above and beyond the background noise of all the other songs I've heard every other day for the last six months. Oh, a song like "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" will always catch my ear, because, well, Reaper.

Other songs, though ... sometimes they just walk up to me and say, "Listen to me. I have something to say to you, personally."

Right now, there are two of them demanding my attention in that way, and they're both from the same band.






I have climbed the highest mountains ... )




On a bed of nails she makes me wait ... )

I'm listening.

athelind: (loved)
[livejournal.com profile] quelonzia and I got married on the Summer Solstice, which bounces between the 20th and the 21st every year. For the life of me, I can't remember what the actual calendar date was; we'll have to dig up our marriage license at some point, because I always think it's the 21st and she always thinks it's the 20th.

Miss you, love.


athelind: (Eye of Agammotto)
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If you were given a life do-over card, would you keep it or give it to a friend? If you kept it, would you prefer to be born to the same or different parents? Would you want to keep your memories?

I'd keep it, most definitely. I can only think of one friend who's managed to screw up his life anywhere nearly as badly as I've screwed up mine.

I wouldn't trade my parents in for anyone. I would definitely keep my memories; that's the whole point of a do-over, right? "Putting things right that once went wrong", as they used to say on Quantum Leap.

If I had to limit myself to one, specific change, I'd have stayed in the Coast Guard and gone to Marine Science Tech school. I could have spent the last two decades actually doing Real Science That Made A Difference instead of pissing around struggling to get a science degree that I don't know how to apply.

If I kept my memories, I could still meet the people who mean the most to me.

And the one who made me happy.


athelind: (loved)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

Same thing.

Because I miss her.


athelind: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

Same thing.

Because I miss her.


athelind: (Default)
I'm here in Berkeley, at my sister's place. My folks are here. This is the first time we've all been together for the holidays since -- 1982, at least, when my grandmother died right after I went off to college. My middle sister isn't here, but, still, with two of the three of us, it's a quorum.

Stopped off at [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia's place before work tonight, just to say hello to everyone who's crashing THERE for the holiday.

This is our first Christmas apart since we were married.

I miss you, beloved. Merry Christmas.

And to all our friends: don't worry about us. We'll work through this. Have a happy holiday, and blessed be.


athelind: (Default)
I'm here in Berkeley, at my sister's place. My folks are here. This is the first time we've all been together for the holidays since -- 1982, at least, when my grandmother died right after I went off to college. My middle sister isn't here, but, still, with two of the three of us, it's a quorum.

Stopped off at [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia's place before work tonight, just to say hello to everyone who's crashing THERE for the holiday.

This is our first Christmas apart since we were married.

I miss you, beloved. Merry Christmas.

And to all our friends: don't worry about us. We'll work through this. Have a happy holiday, and blessed be.


athelind: (loved)
Here it is, the Winter Solstice again. Since [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia and I were married on the Summer Solstice of 1997, I guess that makes this is our twelfth-and-a-half anniversary -- an eighth of a century.

Today, we had our first real date together since I moved out: lunch, followed by James Cameron's magnificent Avatar, which we both loved. I'm glad we saw it together, and I'm glad that was the movie we got together to see.

Happy Anniversary, baby. I've got you on my mind.


athelind: (Default)
Here it is, the Winter Solstice again. Since [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia and I were married on the Summer Solstice of 1997, I guess that makes this is our twelfth-and-a-half anniversary -- an eighth of a century.

Today, we had our first real date together since I moved out: lunch, followed by James Cameron's magnificent Avatar, which we both loved. I'm glad we saw it together, and I'm glad that was the movie we got together to see.

Happy Anniversary, baby. I've got you on my mind.


athelind: (Default)
The other morning, I posted that I didn't feel quite real, nor was I anywhere near happy.

Yesterday, my psychologist said a few things that brought a lot of things into focus.

I think I've finally come to terms with the separation itself, and worked past some of the emotional knots I've been tying myself into. From this point, I really can start concentrating on finding a decent, full-time job.

I walked out of his office feeling happy for the first time in months, feeling hope that wasn't tinged with desperation.

And this morning, when I woke up...

I felt real.







And the world shines for me today! )

(Cheesy Disco Music Video HERE!)

athelind: (Default)
The other morning, I posted that I didn't feel quite real, nor was I anywhere near happy.

Yesterday, my psychologist said a few things that brought a lot of things into focus.

I think I've finally come to terms with the separation itself, and worked past some of the emotional knots I've been tying myself into. From this point, I really can start concentrating on finding a decent, full-time job.

I walked out of his office feeling happy for the first time in months, feeling hope that wasn't tinged with desperation.

And this morning, when I woke up...

I felt real.







And the world shines for me today! )

(Cheesy Disco Music Video HERE!)

athelind: (loved)
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Hearing her voice. Seeing her smile. Holding her in my arms.


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