athelind: (Default)
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Same thing.

Because I miss her.


athelind: (Default)
I'm here in Berkeley, at my sister's place. My folks are here. This is the first time we've all been together for the holidays since -- 1982, at least, when my grandmother died right after I went off to college. My middle sister isn't here, but, still, with two of the three of us, it's a quorum.

Stopped off at [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia's place before work tonight, just to say hello to everyone who's crashing THERE for the holiday.

This is our first Christmas apart since we were married.

I miss you, beloved. Merry Christmas.

And to all our friends: don't worry about us. We'll work through this. Have a happy holiday, and blessed be.


athelind: (Default)
Here it is, the Winter Solstice again. Since [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia and I were married on the Summer Solstice of 1997, I guess that makes this is our twelfth-and-a-half anniversary -- an eighth of a century.

Today, we had our first real date together since I moved out: lunch, followed by James Cameron's magnificent Avatar, which we both loved. I'm glad we saw it together, and I'm glad that was the movie we got together to see.

Happy Anniversary, baby. I've got you on my mind.


athelind: (Default)
The other morning, I posted that I didn't feel quite real, nor was I anywhere near happy.

Yesterday, my psychologist said a few things that brought a lot of things into focus.

I think I've finally come to terms with the separation itself, and worked past some of the emotional knots I've been tying myself into. From this point, I really can start concentrating on finding a decent, full-time job.

I walked out of his office feeling happy for the first time in months, feeling hope that wasn't tinged with desperation.

And this morning, when I woke up...

I felt real.







And the world shines for me today! )

(Cheesy Disco Music Video HERE!)

athelind: (Default)
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Hearing her voice. Seeing her smile. Holding her in my arms.


athelind: (Default)
I am officially moved out, and mostly moved in, for now. My extensive wardrobe managed to pull down the hanger rods in [livejournal.com profile] thoughtsdriftby's guest closet, so tomorrow, we get to do Home Improvement kinda stuff.

I need a good Ubuntu-compatible wireless card for the desktop; at this point, I think it's gonna be easier to go through the list on the Ubuntu site and order one online than it will be to try to remember or print enough of the list to see if I can pick one off the shelf at Fry's.

For the time being, though, the laptop's my primary computer. I need to get my email accounts set up on this thing, ASAP.

I did NOT get moved out before [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia's return from the airport; traffic and rain and procrastination all played their parts. I'm glad I got to welcome her home, though.

(And, sugarplum, I'm sorry I left such a mess in my wake!)

Tonight and tomorrow, a bit more settling in, home projects, and setting up email on this thing. Monday, the job hunt begins in earnest -- the last thing in my mail before I unhooked everything were a couple of very promising job leads from my sister's S.O.!


athelind: (Default)
I've saved the computer for the last load -- though I may have to do a catch-up load if there are more bits and bytes that won't fit in the station wagon.

I don't know how long it'll take me to get set up and hooked up to the net at [livejournal.com profile] thoughtsdriftby's place; the laptop has wireless, thank goodness, so that won't be as tricky.

Fire of my Heart ... what can I say? Call me when you get in.

I love you, Terry.


Dream Log

Dec. 11th, 2009 08:04 am
athelind: (Default)
Not quite a dream, I suppose. I'd awakened at around 4:30, and thought, "oh, she's at the airport now, waiting for her plane home, and then went back to sleep.

A few hours later, I was on the fringes of sleep, working my way to the waking world. I heard a noise, a familiar noise, and, just for a few seconds, it was like every other morning, and [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia was sitting down to her computer to check her mail.

It was just the rain, and the wind.

It wasn't like every other morning. This is my last morning here, in this house. This is my last morning here, in our bed.

And she's still in the air, still winging her way back from the Philippines.

But not back to me.

I'll be gone before she gets here.

That's what she asked.



A familiar noise
"Oh, she's at her computer."
But it's just the rain.


athelind: (Default)
About a month ago, I made a friends-locked post about this; now it's time to turn the cards face up.

[livejournal.com profile] quelonzia and I are separating.

On Friday, she'll be flying to the Philippines for business. Immediately thereafter, I will be moving out.

This is not a divorce. We are not "breaking up". We still love each other; gods, do we love each other. We still want to be together.

However, since I graduated from CSUMB in 2003, I have not held a full-time job for more than three months; they've all been short-term contract or temp positions. My current part-time retail position barely lets me pick up my prescriptions and the occasional grocery run.

She needs to know that, if something happens to her, I can actually survive.

I need to know that, too. I wish we didn't have to do this, but, honestly, until I make some drastic change in my situation, I'm just going to keep spinning my wheels.

The separation will continue until I have a permanent, full-time job that lasts more than six months.

Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] thoughtsdriftby, I have a place to stay until I can get my shit together.

I will do everything in my power to insure than the duration is as short as I can make it.


athelind: (Default)
A statement like that might seem to need qualifiers, but really, it doesn't.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

About very nearly anything.


Twelve.

Jun. 21st, 2009 07:01 pm
athelind: (Default)
She's sitting on the couch, wholly absorbed in a Stephen King novel that she didn't get a chance to read when it came out.

We've been married 12 years today.

When, in disgrace with Fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least,
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate

For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings,
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.


William Shakespeare - Sonnet #29

I love you, Fire of my Heart.



athelind: (Default)
Fourteen years ago today, I got a cheerful, happy little email from someone on alt.fan.dragons.

Thirteen years ago today, after a year of emails, IRC, and a wonderful weekend visit over New Year's, I arrived in Texas to move in with her.

She has been my life, my light, and the Fire of my Heart ever since.

I love you, [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia.
athelind: (Default)
Solstice Greetings, everyone, and peace and good will to one and all!

On this, the shortest day and longest night of the year, let us remember that it is, indeed, darkest before the dawn, and in the cold of winter, embrace each other in a spirit of love, fellowship, and joy.


"Praise be to the distant sister sun, joyful as the silver planets run."

athelind: (Default)
This has been making the rounds tonight, and it should.


Edit: Embed fixed. Thanx, Cargo.


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