athelind: (Default)
I am ... off, this morning. I don't know if I'm still fighting off the vestiges (or a relapse) of last week's cold, or simply reeling from the aftermath of a night full of stress-anxiety dreams. I've got that fuzzy, light-headed feeling, so it's entirely possible that the former induced the latter, and the answer is "all of the above".

St. Paddy's or not, I probably shouldn't have had that beer last night.

The dreams ran through the night, I think, or at least through the last bit of it, but the real roller coaster hit after I woke up, looked at the clock, thought, "Oh, hey, time to get up" -- and promptly rolled over and went back to sleep. That hypnopompic state seems to be kind of a sweet spot for memorable dreams for me -- to my dismay, this morning.

This one combined major adrenaline-stressors ("Those cars are going the wrong way -- in my lane!!") with minor irritations in such a way that every time I came close to waking, I backed off and retreated back into sleep, because I was somehow associating all that anxiety with the waking world.

This is not to say that I don't have some cause for anxiety in my waking life these days, but when I finally did surface, I wasn't reacting to any of that. I was disoriented and shaken, but that was due to the rapid-fired combination of narrowly-averted accidents, police encounters, car trouble, bicycle problems, and gods-know-what-else that were bouncing around my brain.

Sublimation? Maybe.

More probably, given my current mental state, it's the aftermath of that cold.

I think I may start setting my alarm in the mornings -- something I haven't bothered doing much since moving to the evening shift at the game store almost a year ago. Most people find "sleeping in" to be a luxury, but I've always been the sort who likes to get up and dive right into the day -- ideally, because I have something structured to do and get out of the way. When I do that (as I did on Sunday), I'm in great shape. Rolling over and catching more ZZZs does nothing good for me -- it just makes it harder to get moving, and -- frankly, it underscores the lack of focus, direction and purpose in my current existence.

Which just makes it harder to overcome that lack.

Besides, I don't want to have to fight with the Hypnopomp anymore.


athelind: (Default)
Your Obedient Serpent ramps around cheerfully. Hooray, morning! It's a beautiful day!

As everyone else is stumbling around adjusting to the time change, I'm up, alert, and peppy.

I had to get up gawdawful early yesterday -- 6 AM on the day of the time shift, during a period when my evening-shift work schedule has had me snoozing past the hour or 8 AM (unusually late for me, incidentally). 7:30 DPT is sleeping in compared to yesterday morning, so I'm not continually blurring around thinking, "It's 'really' (N-1) AM in 'real' time."

In fact, I'm obnoxiously awake and alert. My "morning person" tendencies have kicked in, and I know how popular those are with everyone else.

(I am, perhaps, the only person on the planet who likes Daylight Saving Time. Given that most people seem more evening-oriented than Your Obedient Serpent, I've never quite grokked why they object to having more daylight during their more active period.)

Part of this may also be due to the sudden emergence of Clear Weather, and the sun shining in through the big glass door to the back yard. I wonder how much of my recent Slow Starting has been due to the gray, overcast weather that's been hanging around unusually late in the year? Normally, I love clouds and rain, but regular readers know that there have been Other Factors that have certainly colored my emotional reflexes.

The combination of Relief and Accomplishment of putting the CSET and the big Interview Event for Oakland teaching Fellows behind me probably helps, as well. I Can Now Move On and focus on Other Avenues.

And, of course, having a cold all last week that is now almost gone adds the frisson of "I feel better!!" to the proceedings.

... of course, since I work until 9:30 PM tonight, we'll have to see how long this lasts.


athelind: (Eye of the Dragon)
It's actually spelled Æþelind, and pronounced with a long "A".

It means "noble serpent" in Old English, and I've discovered, to my surprise, that a very similar name was actually used historically.

Originally, I spelled it "Æthelind" when writing by hand, but "Aethelind" just looked wrong when typing. I think one of my early BBS hang-outs or e-mail providers had a maximum of eight letters—which is particularly amusing in this day and age, when 6 to 8 alphanumerics is often a minimum.

If I actually have proper Unicode access, of course, then "AE Ligature-Thorn-E-L-I-N-D" is eight letters, but I'm not going to fight with log-in screens and Old English characters.


athelind: (Default)
I was originally only going to attend on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, but I wrapped up all my chores by 5 PM last night. I discovered that I could get everything I needed for five days into a single, small suitcase, including my laptop -- and suddenly, taking the bus into downtown instead of driving became VERY PRACTICAL.

So I did. 45 minutes and two dollars later, I was at the Fairmont.

Picked up a cheap air mattress from Walgreen's, just down the street from the hotel; at $9.99, I may just leave it behind if I decide I don't want to cram it in the suitcase on the way home. It doesn't have one of those battery-powered inflation pumps that so many of them do these days -- but it DOES have a big ol' deflation valve in addition to its beach-toy style INflation valve. I looked at that, and looked at [livejournal.com profile] hafoc's CPAP breathing compressor, and made a joke about using that to blow the thing up.

... it worked. A one-inch air fitting is a pretty standard size, it seemed.

Spent some time downstairs in the lobby, hanging with [livejournal.com profile] rikoshi, [livejournal.com profile] tealfox, and a few others. The hotel had a band playing, and it was ... bad.

These guys were so obviously off-key that even I noticed. Teal insisted that they were singing the harmony without the melody, which sounds about right -- but they kept getting worse. Please understand: [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia will attest that I have a tin ear. Eventually, these guys were playing at the resonant frequency of tin.

Finally, I went to bed. The air mattress was fine, but odd dreams plagued me through the night -- including one in which Scully and Mulder had been dragged out of retirement to infiltrate a furry convention.

And they were working for Jonathan Winters.

Don't ask me where THAT came from.


athelind: (Default)
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It's Old English for "Noble Serpent".

I've been using it since the early '80s, originally assembling it from a "Random Old English Name Generator" table in an early issue of Dragon Magazine. If I recall correctly, "Lind" (serpent) was only on the prefix table, not the suffix, so from a gamer standpoint, I "cheated" -- no idea how well or poorly it may work on a grammatical standpoint.

The original "Athelind" was actually a Champions character, a centuries-old dragon who decided to take up superheroing as a lark.* A decade or so later, when "The Boojum Snark" decided that it would be more comfortable for the rest of alt.fan.dragons to address him by a name rather than a title, he adopted it as his nom de guerre.

And the rest is history.


* At almost exactly the same time, a comic called The Southern Knights, and that Atlanta-based superhero team included a centuries-old dragon who also decided to take up the crimefighting trade. Needless to say, my fellow players immediately brought it to my attention.
athelind: (Default)
It's a little late at this stage, but just to clarify matters:

Despite previous reports to the contrary, both [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia and I will be attending Further Confusion this year.

Quel will be there on Saturday; I will be there on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, with possible cameos on Thursday night and Monday morning.

Caution: Due to circumstances that should be familiar to anyone who reads this journal regularly, my moods will be erratic. I may be cheerful and energetic; I may be quiet and wistful, I may be irritable and flat-out bitey. I may be all of these things in rapid succession.

I intend to be cliquish. There are a lot of good friends that I only ever see at FC, and my main reason for going this year is to see them.

Warning:
When approaching the dragon, do not initiate hugs. If the dragon is huggable, he will initiate.

Do not skritch the dragon.


Oh, and this does seem to be allergies, after all. I am not Patient Zero!
athelind: (Default)
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There was a stuffed rabbit named Juniper, long gone, who was my favorite stuffed animal.

There were the Colorforms Outer Space Men, also departed, who tapped into every child's "cool monster" center decades before the current wave of "Mon", and who left me with a life-long tendency to empathize with The Alien.

There was a teddy bear my sisters brought back from camp one year, who was just another stuffed animal in my childhood days. Somehow, though, he survived all the moves and cleanings and purges of belongings, and gained my respect and affection. He lost an eye along the way, and, when I first went off to college, I gave him an eyepatch, turned an old sock into a turtleneck, and dubbed him "Nick Furry, Agent of B.E.A.R.". He's held that name for almost thirty years now, far longer, needless to say, than he was just Oso The Random Teddy Bear.

My favorite. by far, however, had to have been my very first G.I. Joe. He was, originally, one of the Mercury astronaut Joes that Hasbro produced, starting in the year I was born, though I suspect he dates from a couple of years after that. This was Archetypal Joe: 12" tall, no "Kung-Fu Grip", not even the fuzzy, flocked, "life-like hair" of the early '70s.

I had a bunch of G.I. Joes, as did most of my friends as a kid, but this one was always the senior officer. The whole neighborhood respected the obvious air of authority bestowed by painted-on hair. He was the Old Soldier, hailing from the days when G.I. Joe was "America's Movable Fighting Man", and those "Adventure Team" tyros paid him his due, by gum.

His foil-coated space suit is long gone; he's dressed in the green fatigues of a later acquisition. When all the rest of my collection was bestowed onto my younger cousin, I held on to him, making some excuse about "first run" and "valuable collectible", but that was smoke and mirrors. Valuable he may be, though the collector's market has little respect for toys actually well-used and played with.

It's a moot point, though.

You don't sell your best friend.

Somewhere in the depths of [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia's garage, both Nick Furry and the Old Soldier slumber comfortably in a box, awaiting the Day of the Great Unpacking, when they shall, once more, be seated upon a shelf, displayed for all the world to see.

And sometimes, maybe, just maybe, when nobody's watching ...

... someone will play with them again, too.

Because that's what toys are for.


athelind: (Eye of the Dragon)
Seeking who I am
Tomorrow Begins Today
Seeking who we are








I ... will be with you again ... )

I love you, Fire of my Heart. Happy New Year.

athelind: (Default)
I know everyone is concerned about Your Obedient Serpent these days, but, honestly? I'm doing REALLY well right now.

That's not despite recent events. It's because of them. Maybe it's the Dr Pepper talking, but -- frankly, our separation was just the kick in the ass I needed.

I feel very good about the coming year, and about myself -- better than I have in a very long time. I have new directions to explore, and new possibilities to consider.

Whatever happens over the next few months, I will be stronger for it -- and when [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia and I get back together, our marriage will be stronger, too.

Expect a resolution post on Sunday. The next two days are work days.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Blessed Be!


athelind: (Default)
I'm here in Berkeley, at my sister's place. My folks are here. This is the first time we've all been together for the holidays since -- 1982, at least, when my grandmother died right after I went off to college. My middle sister isn't here, but, still, with two of the three of us, it's a quorum.

Stopped off at [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia's place before work tonight, just to say hello to everyone who's crashing THERE for the holiday.

This is our first Christmas apart since we were married.

I miss you, beloved. Merry Christmas.

And to all our friends: don't worry about us. We'll work through this. Have a happy holiday, and blessed be.


athelind: (Default)
Here it is, the Winter Solstice again. Since [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia and I were married on the Summer Solstice of 1997, I guess that makes this is our twelfth-and-a-half anniversary -- an eighth of a century.

Today, we had our first real date together since I moved out: lunch, followed by James Cameron's magnificent Avatar, which we both loved. I'm glad we saw it together, and I'm glad that was the movie we got together to see.

Happy Anniversary, baby. I've got you on my mind.


athelind: (Default)
The other morning, I posted that I didn't feel quite real, nor was I anywhere near happy.

Yesterday, my psychologist said a few things that brought a lot of things into focus.

I think I've finally come to terms with the separation itself, and worked past some of the emotional knots I've been tying myself into. From this point, I really can start concentrating on finding a decent, full-time job.

I walked out of his office feeling happy for the first time in months, feeling hope that wasn't tinged with desperation.

And this morning, when I woke up...

I felt real.







And the world shines for me today! )

(Cheesy Disco Music Video HERE!)

athelind: (Default)
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Hearing her voice. Seeing her smile. Holding her in my arms.


athelind: (Eye of the Dragon)
I'm as settled in at [livejournal.com profile] thoughtsdriftby's place as I'm going to get, I think. The closet is repaired, most of my clothes are put away, I've got mail set up on the laptop and my Job Hunting File Folder in Dropbox.

I haven't quite had the burst of Job Hunting Energy that I realize I was magically expecting, nor have I gained the Key Insight Into What I've Been Doing Wrong All This Time, but I'm Working On It. I'm going to try to pick up an AutoCAD class at the local community college, which should make my skill set more attractive to a wider range of employers. They also have a program for a Land Surveyor's certificate that I should look into; there's a good chance of a lot of overlap between that and my ESSP coursework, so I might be able to get certified with just a couple of classes.

Emotionally, everyone seems to think I'm doing remarkably well; I'm not happy by any stretch of the imagination, but I've moved past miserable, for the most part. This hasn't broken me.

It still doesn't feel quite real sometimes, though.


athelind: (Default)
I am officially moved out, and mostly moved in, for now. My extensive wardrobe managed to pull down the hanger rods in [livejournal.com profile] thoughtsdriftby's guest closet, so tomorrow, we get to do Home Improvement kinda stuff.

I need a good Ubuntu-compatible wireless card for the desktop; at this point, I think it's gonna be easier to go through the list on the Ubuntu site and order one online than it will be to try to remember or print enough of the list to see if I can pick one off the shelf at Fry's.

For the time being, though, the laptop's my primary computer. I need to get my email accounts set up on this thing, ASAP.

I did NOT get moved out before [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia's return from the airport; traffic and rain and procrastination all played their parts. I'm glad I got to welcome her home, though.

(And, sugarplum, I'm sorry I left such a mess in my wake!)

Tonight and tomorrow, a bit more settling in, home projects, and setting up email on this thing. Monday, the job hunt begins in earnest -- the last thing in my mail before I unhooked everything were a couple of very promising job leads from my sister's S.O.!


athelind: (Default)
I've saved the computer for the last load -- though I may have to do a catch-up load if there are more bits and bytes that won't fit in the station wagon.

I don't know how long it'll take me to get set up and hooked up to the net at [livejournal.com profile] thoughtsdriftby's place; the laptop has wireless, thank goodness, so that won't be as tricky.

Fire of my Heart ... what can I say? Call me when you get in.

I love you, Terry.


Dream Log

Dec. 11th, 2009 08:04 am
athelind: (Default)
Not quite a dream, I suppose. I'd awakened at around 4:30, and thought, "oh, she's at the airport now, waiting for her plane home, and then went back to sleep.

A few hours later, I was on the fringes of sleep, working my way to the waking world. I heard a noise, a familiar noise, and, just for a few seconds, it was like every other morning, and [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia was sitting down to her computer to check her mail.

It was just the rain, and the wind.

It wasn't like every other morning. This is my last morning here, in this house. This is my last morning here, in our bed.

And she's still in the air, still winging her way back from the Philippines.

But not back to me.

I'll be gone before she gets here.

That's what she asked.



A familiar noise
"Oh, she's at her computer."
But it's just the rain.


athelind: (Default)
About a month ago, I made a friends-locked post about this; now it's time to turn the cards face up.

[livejournal.com profile] quelonzia and I are separating.

On Friday, she'll be flying to the Philippines for business. Immediately thereafter, I will be moving out.

This is not a divorce. We are not "breaking up". We still love each other; gods, do we love each other. We still want to be together.

However, since I graduated from CSUMB in 2003, I have not held a full-time job for more than three months; they've all been short-term contract or temp positions. My current part-time retail position barely lets me pick up my prescriptions and the occasional grocery run.

She needs to know that, if something happens to her, I can actually survive.

I need to know that, too. I wish we didn't have to do this, but, honestly, until I make some drastic change in my situation, I'm just going to keep spinning my wheels.

The separation will continue until I have a permanent, full-time job that lasts more than six months.

Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] thoughtsdriftby, I have a place to stay until I can get my shit together.

I will do everything in my power to insure than the duration is as short as I can make it.


athelind: (Default)
A statement like that might seem to need qualifiers, but really, it doesn't.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

About very nearly anything.


athelind: (Default)
Due to various circumstances, [livejournal.com profile] quelonzia and I will not be attending Further Confusion 2010.


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